How am I? Please, don't encourage me

The most frustrating, intimidating, panic and anger generating side effect of transplanting your life from one country to another is not reading about your nation in The Daily Mail.
It is not even reading about your nation in The Mail Online's comments section.
It is in fact a sudden lack of ability to read between the lines. Which is a bit of a problem when you decide to live in a country in which "That's interesting" means "You're insane".


I like poetry. I like metaphors. I like the ambiguity of meaning and a chase for understanding. But nothing, absolutely nothing: neither my love for interpretation, nor my long flirt with literature and linguistics, nor my handbook "English is Fun" part 1, 2 and 3, which was very hard to get, prepared me for the reality of living and breathing in English.

English is Fun, part 1. Doesn't live to its promise.

For instance, does your Polish neighbour sound rude to you? Do they sound as if they were giving you orders all the time? Do you ever find yourself thinking "It wouldn't hurt you to use the friggin' please from time to time, you know"?
Well, that's because we do our politeness through the tone of voice. There, job done.
But no, you have to have 50 shades of pleasure.

When it was pointed out to me by my manager in the first 3 months of my life in the UK that I should finish my requests with "please" I took note and worked hard to make sure that I never ever forget my "pleases". I worked so hard that to this day I have to scan my emails before sending them, to make sure I don't put 2 "pleases" in the same sentence, which happens quite often but I'm getting better.

I have to say though that my heart sank a little when last year I was teaching my then 4 year old son to be polite, thinking I was doing such a splendid job telling him to say "Can I have a drink, please?" and it was pointed out to me that this sounded a bit rude because what I should have been teaching him was  "Could I have a drink, please?". Or even better "Please, could I have a drink?". Or better still "Please, may I have a drink?"
I think one day I will be told the rest of the possibilities, if my friend Kerry decides I can take it because I haven't got the look of desperation in my eyes anymore.

Just in case you were thinking that my boss was obnoxious and my friend was cruel let me explain that I have no way of finding out about these things other than through good people who gently (in their approach) but directly (in the explanation that they give) spell these things out for me. Because as we established "English is Fun" was a bit rubbish and the Internet gives you only a vague indication, as you can see in the attached picture.

That's more like it: a handy list of pitfalls. Painfully hilarious, as most slapstick is.

I wish though that I was moving up on this learning curve a bit faster. Again, it was only last year, 6 years after I came to live in the UK, that Kerry explained that if she says during a walk "Would you like a cup of tea?" and I reply "No, I'm fine, thanks", I sound terribly selfish because what she means is "I really need a cup of tea now. I'd like you to go with me and have one. Shall we?" and my reply means to her "I don't care". Which is obviously not what I mean, because I am responding to a question about my thirst.

But you are probably saying right now that these are subtleties that not even every British born person gets. And I hear what you're saying. And I'm grateful for this generous explanation. But let me give you one more example.


Imagine going to work with me one day. I enter the building, I walk up the stairs, I open the door and go to my desk where I'm met with a friendly "Mornin'! How are you?".  I brighten up and I smile, I open my mouth and I open my soul. I share my life with the friendly soul mate, who's interested in finding out about all that is tinting my emotions this fine, sunny morning.
They smile politely during the story of my car that didn't want to start and they make lots of "Oh no!" noises when I tell them all about my conversation with the breakdown service. I finish and wait for them to share one of their problems with me. But because they don't say anything I feel the need to fill in the silence so I start talking about my parents and their recent health problems. My colleague nods and smiles occasionally. I start to think that I'm not entertaining enough so I tell them all about my distant relative's wedding preparation. By that time they blink nervously and I get so confused that I quickly finish the conversation thinking that they are weird.*

I have to admit that "How are you" does not work for me at all and even though I work very hard I still occasionally fall in the trap that this greeting opens under my feet. Just like two German spies during the World War 2, who spent 3 years in training in Germany preparing for their mission in England, practicing their English accent and learning all about the culture, and who finally got to England, found the clothes left for them in the secret hiding place, went to the nearest hotel and sat at the bar. One of them said to the barman "Martini, please", and the barman asked "Dry Martini?", to which the spy replied "Nein. Zwei, bitte". **

Now I'm not saying that your Polish neighbours spy on you. But the reality is that when you say something to them, they probably hear something completely different and they respond to what they think they heard and what is familiar to them.
Just bear with them and explain, preferably gently and in plain English.




*No need to worry, I'm much better at my "Fine, thank you. And how are you?" now. Although for some reason my Polish friends started to think I'm no longer interested in them...

**If this joke is lost on you then you ARE weird. Just do me a favour and show it to any of your Polish friends, will ya? Cheers.